What Would She Think

by Shannan on May 3, 2009

With all these Mother’s Day reviews I’ve been dealing with and advertising media reminding me that Mother’s Day is right around the corner, I once again am facing the fact that my mom is no longer here. While I think I’m handling things a little better every day, I’m starting to get overwhelmed by the idea that I’ll never buy another Mother’s Day gift.

It’s an empty feeling, to say the least. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to share things with, anymore. True, I have some of the most amazing friends that I probably don’t even deserve, and they are more than happy to share in my successes and failures. I thank God every day for putting such wonderful people in my life. But it isn’t the same. None of them, no matter how much they love me, could match the unconditional love I got from Mom.

I wonder when things happen, what would she say? What would she think about the new career path and opportunities that have come my way? What would she say if she knew that I was getting to a place where I will be able to better the lives of my kids? How would she feel about the milestones my boys have reached this year? 

Sometimes I can hear her voice when I wonder. I can hear the exact words that I need, as if she were sitting right in this room with me. Sometimes it is comforting, while others it makes it hurt all that much more. I knew her so well that I know what her reactions would be, but I just wish I could see the pride on her face, the love in her eyes, and hear the caring tone of her voice. I dream of her nearly every night. Sometimes interacting with her in the dreams, others just seeing her pass through the background. Every time, it hurts to wake up.

Just once more, I want her to tell me what she thinks. I want to see her hold my babies and I want her to laugh with me at their latest escapades. I want her to yell at me when she thinks I’m wrong and tell me how wonderful I am when I’m doing something right.

Just once more. Please.

{ 2 comments }

1 Erin May 3, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Oh Shannan. My heart aches for you. I know nothing another person can say will do any good. I know nothing someone else does makes a difference. Nothing can bring back that person. Nothing can replace that person. Nothing can mend your broken heart.
I know it is not the same thing but I can relate to your feelings . I lost my pop 3 years ago. Not a day goes by I don’t wish he was still here, that I would have had a baby sooner so that he could have seen his great grandchild, that cancer never existed. He had a severely broken leg when I was born. He had a cast up to his waist and couldn’t walk. From the first day I came home from the hospital I was in his arms. I spent my entire first year in his arms. Growing up I almost always lived with my grandparents. It was the only place I ever felt safe. the only place i ever felt loved. the only place that ever made sense to me. My heart breaks for my son to know the same comfort of those arms. the loving words. the shoulders strong enough to support the worlds problems it seemed. or at least mine.
Last year when I was pregnant we bought my childhood home from my Grandmother. The memories were to much for her and she could no longer stand to live here without him. She wanted me to have the house, for my family to enjoy it and make it a home, the way that we did growing up. She moved over 2 hours away. its hard to even talk to her. I am not close with either one of my parents. They both act as if I don’t even exist 95% of the time. And Dave’s family and I are not exactly what you would consider close. It leaves me feeling as if I am totally alone. No one but myself from my family to understand me, to talk to, or to love Elijah. I know pop would have.
Your last paragraph – “Just once more, I want her to tell me what she thinks. I want to see her hold my babies and I want her to laugh with me at their latest escapades. I want her to yell at me when she thinks I’m wrong and tell me how wonderful I am when I’m doing something right.

Just once more. Please.”

that paragraph says it all. Thank you for the beautifully expressed emotions. Hugs.~Erin -@erinjeany

2 Nikki May 26, 2009 at 1:00 am

I never met your mom but in the year, no… two years now that I’ve known you (wow!) I think it’s safe to say that your mom would be ever so proud of you! You know I’m amazed and in awe of the accomplishments you’ve made. I know there’s a lot more to come your way too. I know it’s hard not having her here but the fact that you were so close to her that even in her passing, you still can feel her presence in your life speaks volumes.

I’m here whenever you need me, I don’t have to tell you that.

I would have loved to have met your mom, if I had I would tell her that she’s raised a beautiful, wonderful, and incredibly talented woman. She has every reason to be proud of you, even when you feel you’re making mistakes.

You’re an amazing mom to your boys and I’ve been blessed to be your friend.

Nikkis last blog post..Review: Bical Grippers “the original sock with sole”

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