Another year is coming to an end and while I hate seeing time pass and my babies grow older and that much closer to leaving the nest, in some ways, knowing that I made it through another year makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Especially this year.
This year went by without too many major crises or life changing events, but it was one of the most difficult of my life to date. This was the first full year without my mother as a part of it. The shock of losing her wore off, and it was time to learn to cope with each day without her face, her voice, her love, and her presence.
When mom passed away so suddenly in July of 2008, everything seemed to come to a standstill for awhile. I went through the motions, but nothing about life seemed real. Last Christmas came and went, and 2009 started with the reality that every day of this year would be missing something major. I couldn’t change it, so it was time to face the pain.
I have coped with the hurt in so many different ways. Sometimes I hide, sometimes I need people. Some days I need to laugh, others I need to sob until I simply fall asleep. I dream of her and cry when I wake up to realize that it isn’t real. I see my father’s number on the caller ID and pick up the phone, willing it to be her voice on the other end. Every day brings a sound, a smell, a story…something that makes it feel as if she is right here.
One of the worst things is trying to explain to K what happened to his beloved Grammy. When we go to visit my dad, he’ll walk into her room and search for her. The phone will ring, and even over a year later, he’ll say “It’s Gram! Can I talk to Gram?” He asks to go see her regularly and sometimes I can’t even answer him. I just cry. What do you say to a three year old when someone they love just disappears from their life?
I’m not so sure I believe in there being different stages of grief. Even a year and a half later, the pain of losing her is just as raw as it was the moment I got “the call.” I may be getting used to the reality of my world without mom, but I don’t think the hurt of her being gone is ever going to change.
Don’t get me wrong, there were some wonderful things that happened this year, and I will definitely be sharing my thankfulness for all of the blessings that life has brought my way, but I just felt that mom deserved her own space this Christmas.
Mom, I love you now as much as ever. You will always be my best friend, and I will see to it that your love, generosity, and beautiful spirit will never, ever be forgotten. I will see you again one day, and cannot wait for that reunion.
