Two Years

Dear Mom,

It’s been two years since I last saw your face. Seven hundred and thirty days have gone by since I last heard your voice. 1,051,200 minutes since I felt whole.

It’s still hard to believe that life has gone on without you. When I was young, I wondered what life would be like after my parents were gone. I imagined being so much older, with grandkids of my own, when I had to deal with losing you. I didn’t picture myself with babies who would never get the chance to be spoiled by their Grammy. I think that makes the pain even more raw and hard to heal.

The kids are okay, though they miss you and talk about you often. K still goes into your room, when we’re at dad’s and asks where you are. He remembers you and wants to see you. It’s so hard to explain to him why he can’t. D has fewer memories, but shows me pictures and calls you by name.

J handles his grief like the man that he is becoming. I worry sometimes that he holds everything in, but I think that is just his way of coping. He’s never been much for articulating his feelings, much the opposite of me. Dad has done a wonderful job of stepping in and spoiling him in your place, however. (snark)

Dad is another story altogether. I feel like he tries to put on a show for us that he’s doing okay and rebuilding his life, but his eyes tell a different story. He misses you. In ways that none of the rest of us can understand or even attempt to comfort.

Me? Well, I think I’m still in denial. Daily I get the urge to pick up the phone and call you to tell you the cute and funny things the kids are doing. I miss having my best friend to vent to and share exciting events with. We were so close that I feel you here constantly, even though I know you’re so far gone.

I know that you are watching. I hear your voice in my ear, every time I need your strength. It helps, but it isn’t the same. I feel your presence when we’re all together celebrating and when I’m alone, facing difficult things. I just wish I could see your smile outside of a picture frame or feel the comfort of your arms around me when I am struggling.

You are still such a big part of everything that I do and everything that I am. I hope you know just how much I love you. I will never forget the beautiful person that you are and can’t wait until the day that I can see you again.

Love always,

Shannie

This picture defines you and I, mom...and only you know why.