Unappreciated

This is a total whine post, so if you don’t want to hear me complain, look up there in the right corner of the screen and click the “X.” You’ve been warned. Self-pity ahead.

If you know me, you know that last September, our family had a massive curveball thrown at us when my stepson was sent to live with us, with zero notice and no time to prepare for his arrival. Nearly a year later, we’re all semi-adjusted to the changes and know that this was for the best, but sometimes it makes me feel a little strange.

In all of this, I’ve lost my personal space a little. Though I never had my own dedicated office, I did often have the older boys’ room as a place to escape, especially since my mom passed away and J spends a lot of time at my dad’s. Now I have nowhere to call mine, even for a day here and there.

The computer desk with the dinosaur laptop has been taken over by schoolwork and teenage projects. My bedroom isn’t a viable workspace, particularly being that I tend to work into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, there’s the kitchen table and the couch, but none of them can be called “mine.” I haven’t a single space where I can go in, shut the door and get things done. There’s always someone invading my brain, no matter where I go.

Trying to focus over constant noise and distractions is difficult, especially when you are as ADD as I am. Ya know the dog in “Up”? Every sound and person that comes into the room is a total “Squirrel!” moment for me. My must-do-in-order-to-pay-the-bills list gets done, no matter what, but the really-wanna-do-for-my-own-enjoyment list and hey-this-would-be-cool-to-do list have become so long that I don’t hold much hope for ever seeing them getting shorter. There are so many things that I want and need to do here, on my own blog, that I end up just not having the time or focus for and it frustrates me.

It seems every time I settle into a space, someone else comes along and “needs” that room. I can either deal with the space invasion or gather everything up and move to another room, which is likely already occupied. It sucks. And it’s not fair. I can’t imagine A getting anything done at work with someone playing video games that make the room sound like a war zone, or clanking dishes in the sink while he’s trying to concentrate, or small children begging for something every three minutes. But that’s what I am expected to do, even when there is another adult (or semi-adult) around to help with them.

Sometimes it just feels like no one understands or respects my need to work, yet they are more than happy to use the benefits of my work for their own enjoyment (and to keep the lights on, roof over their head and food in their bellies.)Every now and then, I pitch a fit and get help for a day or two, but it never lasts and always goes back to the same routine.

I know this is a common theme across the WAHM community, but even knowing that others are in the same boat doesn’t make it less frustrating. I just need a place of my own. A place that I can set ground rules that when I am here, it’s work time and I am off the mommy clock for a bit. I’m feeling homeless in my own home right now, and it sucks.